6 Months Living With Sean Ryan
- November 7th, 2009
- Posted in Tips & Tricks . Ubuntu
- By
- Write comment
Today, the 7th November 2009, our son Sean Ryan is living with us now for 6 months.
He changed our life more then anything else and someone would understand.
One thing didn’t change during this time, the workload in my company. The opposite is the case, not because we, in our team, are lazy bastards or unknowledged, no, it’s something else. I don’t want to write about it (this could happen later), but I can tell you, that company life changed me to something I don’t want be and I don’t want Sean to experience.
Those of you, who know me better, know that I’m not against drinking alcohol, but I never drank every bloody day so much beer, that I was always drunk when I came home. No. Right now, I was drinking like hell with colleagues after work and most of the times I came home mostly drunk.
Last Monday, I had a nervous breakdown of some kind, I started to cry, standing in front of the bathroom mirror and was telling to the picture in the mirror: "No, I don’t want to be like that, I don’t want to be like that, you asshole don’t need to drink to compensate your problems". I went to our son, and I was promising him. with tears in my eyes, that I don’t touch any alcohol in the next couple of weeks, months or years until I don’t feel confident that I wouldn’t jump into that alcoholic desaster. Really, I’m not interessted into joining the AAs, and I think I still have some time until it becomes an illness. So I have to stop because of myself.
Next week there are some meetings about the future of my person and our team in general. When this mismanagement doesn’t stop, I’m sure, I’m gone in no time. The Life of our Son, My Life, The Life of C. and me is more important then anything else.
I need to repair many things which broke in my relationship between C. and me, I need to repair it fast, because when I’m failing in this, I can say good bye to C. and Sean. And some of you know, that I don’t like to "Fail".
Why I’m writing all this and why I’m disclose my personal "failing"?
Because I think I’m not alone with such a situation, especially in this IT cloud (doesn’t matter if it’s paid or unpaid). And I want to show C. and Sean that I really mean it and to always remind me: "Don’t let yourself down, stupid" and "Alcohol is not a solution!"
And, as a father and human being, I know you will get through this.
The question is what it will mean and what consequences it will have. But you know this and you will find a way.
Peace man. Enjoy soberly the precious, and short, time the life of your child is. Before you notice that time will have passed.
There have been thousands before you and there are thousands to come. We all have a choice, everyday.
Choose love and choose life. You have never had a choice when it comes to that. And you never will…
Do not believe all these warm, cuddly messages about what a great person you are and how everything will work out. It will not.
You are sick and you are hurting your family. Even in those brief paragraphs you refer only to yourself, and not to the needs and feelings of your patner and child. You choose to blame your job and not yourself. You think you are in control, but you are not.
You need to refer yourself for professional psychiatric help, not the AA or support group. Go to your doctor for a referral.
Everything we do is for a reason, because we need something, like the need to relax. Whatever you need, find something you’re happy with that still gives you that, otherwise you’re fighting yourself (which by definition you always lose). For example, cardio exercise is one of the best type of stress relief (and excellent for balancing mood, too). Listening to music, talking with supportive friends, even skin to skin contact with your baby are also great options (it releases calming hormones in *both* men and women). Whatever works for you, give yourself what you really need, and replacing a habit can become easy.
You can win this *and* enjoy the process. All the best. We’re all on your side.
Takes a lot of courage to talk about these kind of topics. My problem was I never had a problem.
I have already read lots of good thoughts in the comments of this post and don’t want to add much more…
It is certainly a good start to talk about your problem. Don’t hesitate to take further steps into the right direction! I wish you all the best on your way!
Greetings from Switzerland
You couldn’t believe how right you are. I’m also in IT, work multiple jobs and put some work into the FOSS community in my spare time. I like to drink from time to time, but I don’t drink when I’m alone. This sometimes changes when stress levels are too high, and it’s an alarm signal.
So far I’ve always managed to stop myself in time and realize what I was doing. Sometimes I took a glass of wine with the dinner instead of going for three liters of beer. I can put the bottle of port wine back where it was without taking a glass, even though it would feel like such a beautiful stress relief.
Alcohol is a socially accepted drug, it’s available everywhere. That doesn’t make it easier. The IT industry is one of the stressful ones, and I think we should openly discuss alcohol problems and support each other. I know how relieving it can feel to get drunk and forget it all, but the right solution is to confront the problems! You have to stand there, clear your head, and find solutions. The solutions might be uncomfortable (having to fire people, having to reorganize teams, having to drop projects etc.), but they are better than ending up living in a park with rotten teeth, sleeping in emergency shelters, showering once a week, owning only one pair of pants and living only for the next bottle booze.
Don’t waste your brain on alcohol, it’s too precious.
Hi Stephan, I don’t believe you need any further advice on what to do, you got it right already. Remember that your family is the most valuable thing you have, don’t let alcohol, work or anything else take that away from you. No one can live alone, whenever you need help, remember of your friends. My best wishes for you and your family.
Greetings from Brazil.
I’m proud of you for realizing what is important and wanting to prioritize. You are going to make it.
I honestly think one of the most amazing things about having children (I have three) is how much they can help us realize what is and is not worthwhile. They benefit us in ways we could never predict but desperately need.
Hang in there. Short term discomfort is worth it when seeking long term health.
As matthew said: “I honestly think one of the most amazing things about having children (I have three) is how much they can help us realize what is and is not worthwhile.”
Having a 2 years old and one coming-up within 3/4 weeks I know how true this is.. My life changed completely, this child seems to be my main focus now, and that’s how it should be. Had some addictions to shake of (not alcohol) in my past life so I can guess you have a heck of a struggle in front of you.
Man, I wish you all the strength in the world healing yourself and making the tough choices you probably need to make.
Mark.
Great, that you chose to make that public and tell us: It get’s named and is out there – not roaming secretly around within you!
And you see – ther’re people out there who give you encouragement and share some of their experiences – your not alone.
One thing is very importand – talk to your wife! Don’t take things for granted. Share with her, what you realy feel and want…your thoughts and fears…and be open for her’s as well. that will keep you united…
Anyway, all the best, man! You already move into the right direction.
… how many people are pulling for you. As a Planet contributor, I’m not sure you know the scope of distribution of your blog, or that for every one person that comments or comes to your home page to read your words (and show up in your logs/statistics), there are 100, or 1000, or 10,000 other people that are silent but involved in caring about you, your life, and your work.
I started reading the Ubuntu Planet blogs 3+ years ago because it was set up by default in Akkregator. I look forward to your rants, your admonishments, and your tips. I rejoiced when you announced the pregnancy, and rejoiced again when you became a father, because I identify with you on those levels (although I take issue with your comments about Java and the new American president).
In then end, you are not responsible to your boss, your fans on the Planet, Ubuntu, or anyone else. You are responsible to your family and yourself. Do the right thing, for you, your wife, and your son. Know that people on the other side of the world share your pain, and hope for you. Some of us have been EXACTLY where you are (or worse), and want you to know you can rise above any of the deamons that feel like they’re breathing down your neck.
Good luck.
I just wanted to throw in a word of support and tell you that you’re not alone. Just always be honest with your child(ren), your wife or significant other, and most of all yourself. I’ve been through a similar situation and if you need anything then please send me an e-mail and I’ll be happy to help you in any way I can. Good Luck!
I read lots of aggragators in the FLOSS world, I have read ubuntu planet since it started, and I always look forward to what your rant will be this week and the happiness you show with regard to your family. So I hope you find the help you need, hope you find the support from friends and family and that you accept it. If a substance has impacted your life so much, recognize what power it has, get it as far away as possible. Try to find a space in your life to calm down and reduce the stress in yourself. Maybe meditation, a walk in a park, spending time with a loved one, but whatever it takes to feel and release it each day. I hope you get better and that you can repair what ever is damaged with your family relationship. Ubuntu – we are who we are because of our relationship to others!
And, as a father and human being, I know you will get through this.
The question is what it will mean and what consequences it will have. But you know this and you will find a way.
Peace man. Enjoy soberly the precious, and short, time the life of your child is. Before you notice that time will have passed.
There have been thousands before you and there are thousands to come. We all have a choice, everyday.
Choose love and choose life. You have never had a choice when it comes to that. And you never will…